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Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Confessions Of A Roundabout Snob

It's been several years now since roundabouts were introduced into Hamilton County and I've come to love them. That's right, I've got a full blown man crush on the dog bone, the short circle, the bridge to the other side.  Call it what you will, I can't for the life of me imagine how I spent all of those years at stop lights waiting and waiting and waiting...sometimes with no one even coming from the other direction.  While my fondness for these new traffic monuments has grown, I'm afraid my patience for the unpredictable roundabout user has become.....well, thin.  To that end I've categorized several groups of roundabout violaters for you to recognize and avoid at all costs.

1) The Peeper.  This driver gets right up to the very entrance of the roundabout and eases forward and eases forward, all the while peeping to their left.  Even though there's no one coming, they just can't commit to moving ahead. Kind of like me in my dating life before I met my wife.

2) The Lane Hog.  There are two types of lane hogs.  The first has no idea what position to take in the roundabout and wanders across all pavement with clearly zero mastery of traffic signs 101.  The second is in a heck of a hurry and goes through at break neck speed crossing all lanes and sometimes the sidewalk in effort to get through the roundabout as quickly as possible.  This vehicle usually is the one with the really loud radio.

3) The Passer.  This person thinks the roundabout is an opportunity to move up in the NASCAR points standings.  They gun the engine to full throttle when entering the sphere in an effort to make up as many track positions as possible before the next yellow light....which clearly they will be the cause of. 

4)  The Undecided.  This driver treats the roundabout like my grandparents treated a Sunday afternoon drive, never being concerned at all ahead of time what his destination may be.  Oh...that looks like a nice ramp...let's turn....NOW.  

5) The Arrogocracy.  These people could also be called the 'know it alls' because whatever lane they're in is the right one to go where ever they damn well please.  They are the first to give you the one finger Warren Central salute when they cut you off in their travels. 

6)  The Starbuckians.  These people are a pleasant lot but are always distracted by their $4.50 Frappalatte, their screaming pack of 10 year olds in the back, their lap dog who is now a steering wheel dog, their conversation with Missy from card club or whatever else is vying for their attention that day.  On the positive side they usually always offer an apologetic wave when they cut you off because they're distracted. 

What have I forgotten?  If there's any I've missed feel free to contribute them in the comment section below.  There's 1000 Drew Carey points for any good suggestions. 

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